"HALT THE MATCHES! SENTIENT FOG DEMANDS A TRY! "
Digitised for public record. Vol. 94, Issue 1218 — 27 November 2017.
Front page of the 27 November 2017 print edition of The English Reporter. Digitized for public record.
HALT THE MATCHES! SENTIENT FOG DEMANDS A TRY!
By The English Reporter - (“The Methven Mole” Investigation’s Section)
NOVEMBER 25TH AT METHVEN HOLLOW AND BURVINGTON PREPARATORY BOYS SCHOOL OF EXCELLENCE BROUGHT WITH IT, WHAT ANY OTHER DAY at these two established places would bring - no promise of certainty.
Nor an assurance of normality.
This was absurdly proven at around 17:38, just under an hour after the famed match between the Burlie Knights and Warnington Warriors began and was abruptly cut short by an uninvited (and perhaps for that very reason,) rampant third player - the legendary Methven Fog.
And it has yet to let up.
Following just a WEEK after another slew of even more disturbing happenings occurred at once again both Methven and Burvington, which you can read about in separate articles here (which the timing of our suspicions and the brutal real-time coincidental corroboration is BEYOND us) AND here (said coincidental corroboration), is quite concerning and has us considering (though silently and against our naturally- logical inclinations) less logical ideations.
This worries us here at The English Reporter greatly, but a spade is nothing but if not a spade.
THE FACTS - AND EVEN LESS THAN THAT.
The English Reporter wishes we could give you more than the angle of truth, eye witnesses (including our own) and official reports can give us, to you - but that is simply not what we or any other reputable source elsewhere can give you. We can only give you this :
The match began at around 17:00 pm.
And by 17:38 the match was called to an official close due to an unforeseen descent of Methven Fog.
And by 17:50 the entire pitch, stands and surroundings areas were utterly consumed whole by the Fog.
To leave matters more frustratingly confusing - no one knows what caused this uncanny bout of Fog/Mist during the match. All we are certain of is the madness that came thereafter.
Chaos ensued as the crowd stampeded through the pitch to get out. It was a night of chaos ambulance lights, flashing phone lights and enough confounding statements and transcripts from scrambling folk to last The English Reporter a lifetime.
Here are just a few of the ones we can make sense of within our collation :
“A dinnae have time for silly inspectors an snoopin half- professional sleuths whan A have A bunch o rowdy - hey! hey git back here wi the ball! the game’s ower! an why’s the knicht keelin ower like thon? w- move away!”
-Coach Auley Clarke of the Rugby team, Burvington.
“Our research team have always been at the forefront of every misty discovery that Methven Hollow has to offer, though this sudden bout of Mist is rather vexing, I know a scientific explanation is mere hours away.”
Resident Head Methvenologist - Dr. Grimble
“ I think something’s off with the- What? The Mist? Oh I haven’t a clue of how it happened, but it just did! One minute I’m serving up our legendry Eve’s Mead Meals out to fellow French Fund and Middle Millionaire and- and my English Money friends and all and the next- BOOM! The m- Well… maybe BAM! Or- or WHOOSH! To be honest, I haven’t the foggiest idea of what the Mist sounds like?! HEY! HEY PADDY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FOG SOUN- And he’s gone… tall git. Anyway… I don’t know what the Fog sounded like but man, it arrived and loudly. Hopefully it’ll pass though, I need the roads leading to my bistro to be visible, speaking of… STOP ON BY TO “EMM-”
-Local café and bistro business owner - Emmery.
“I, SEMI under the guidance of Mr. Grimble do take his educated and scholarly opinion into account, regarding the sudden Misty descent and I hope you transcribe my words with respect - The Mist has primarily never yielded to any manmade convention, that is perhaps the only certain fact we have ascertained from our years and years of studying it. I say this as a scientist first and so, I hope Mr. Grimble is right and I am only mere hours away with being disproven of my notion, I would not be the least bit upset. The Mist has a way of even the most brilliant minds to seek a duller answer.”
Resident Methvian Geologist - Dr. Hattler.
“ It was like the fog had hands or something! Lo sentí, te juro que sentí como si tuviera unos dedos en las piernas. I was like “ something touched me, I know I wasn’t crazy when I felt something touch me! “
(I felt it, I swear I felt like fingers on my legs.)
-Unnamed Preparatory Student.
“Don’t look at me. It wasn’t me, this time. “
-Burlie student - L. Bedfield-
“That’s surprising, given your obscene pro-
Wait! you guys heard that? Where’s [censored]”
-Burlie student -P. Nisim -
“I don’t know what we have done, but I plead the Bog’s anger be swift across the town and have mercy on us. We Quagmires offered surplus benedictions to it this year and doubt its… ire is towards our particular family. But with the Bog, one can never know and may only plead for mercy and forgiveness. “
-Methven denizen - Marcus Quagmire.
And there were many more, many less than positive about the chances of the Mist’s departure.
They would be proven correct.
FOG CROWNED KING.
Though the match was not rescheduled, the undisputed champion is clear : The Mist.
Now two days in upon this issue’s release, on what the locals all “The Fogout”, we can confirm that it has not let up at all. In fact, it has instead done two things :
Swallowed up the town, forest and Boglands entirely
Has formed and spread into the notoriously noted “Methven Mist” solely known to occur only in the month of March.
Except it is neither March and all this occurred before 7 O’clock, which here in Methven Hollow is the unofficially official time in which most if not all establishments, businesses, schools and whatnot close shop. Usually 6pm sharp.
Right now it is looking that the unofficial time will become an official mandate as talks from the Town Council, Police Force and even the Heritage and Culture sectors of the national government look to endorse a curfew until the Mist clears back to its normal pattern - that was days ago and we are none the wiser as to when or if that will even happen.
With businesses and schools given a week of closure with that length of days open to be changed if relief is not met, the town grows understandably restless and concerned of the potential capital loss. It is also important to note that talks of travel restrictions are also being discussed , which adds to restlessness.
Even more so is the fact that :
We are still uncertain of what caused this uncanny bout of Fog/Mist during the match. And neither is anyone outside of Methven Hollow.
It is at this time that the very obscured history of the Fog comes back into discussion at full strength. You can check out our Fog history section article from our Festival of the Bog guide for what we know, here. (Beware, it’s not much.)
But we can say for sure, through decades and decades of scientific and spiritual studies that the nebulous Fog/ Mist has not been proven toxic or dangerous for human life.
What worries us is simply that, for whatever reason - it remains.
It is no surprise that the #mistymethevn , #fogout #mistout and other Methvian iterations have utterly taken the internet sleuthing spheres by storm, with such tags rapidly trending across the wide web for days with no sign of the fire dwindling.
We here at Methven Hollow, burn with you.
A CONCLUSION, MOST UNSATISFACTORY.
That evening of the 25th still is a mystery to us as more and more information returns to us in streams and drips from various sources. TER is doing its best to sort through them to ensure you get what you deserve - the truth.
No matter how confusing, unsure and even downright unbelievable it may reveal to be.
Because as we look back at out volume season this year, seeing all the headlines and news that has come from Burvington and Methven alone - it’s jarring that these places keep on coming up again and again but in unsightly and concerning ways.
It’s getting harder and harder to deny the very unlawful speculation of their connection, daily.
We are so tired. Why is something happening in these places again and again?
TER and just about every meteorologist, council head, teacher, child, worried parent across the nation and co are all asking the same damn thing :
What the hell is going on in Methven Hollow?
And who will answer us? Why them, if anyone at all?
Because it seems to me as though there is something else to know.
How long are we to sit in the unbridled curiosity that grows more and more unmanageable within us each day?
Because we at The English Reporter do not see this going on - this, tying of hands and quivering lips to a silent, sealed line.
And what is it going to take for someone to turn the damn light through this spreading mist?
We have a tool, the most audacious second only to Hope :
Curious Gall.
The English Reporter, will be here when the next piece breaks.
Please stay insatiable with us, in the waiting.
Digitised for Public Record
-The Methven Mole Investigations Desk
The English Reporter
27 November 2017